One Day

One day I won't be young. I won't carry myself with insolent insouciance. I won't feel like I'm on top of the world.
One day I won't be this healthy. I won't recover from the flu like I do now. I won't recover from a few hours of sleep as easily.
One day I won't be as beautiful. I won't have a smooth skin. I won't stand tall.
But today.
Today I am all these things. Today I do all these things. And today I am taking time to appreciate all these things.
It is not the idea of death that is haunting so much as the idea that I could leave this planet with regrets. Thinking that everything I ever had I took for granted. That everything I could do, I didn't do. That every ounce of love I had in my body, I didn't give.
One day I won't be here. My words will. That's all that matters.
Today I laugh. Today I eat. Today I feel good.
Today I celebrate.

Don't let fear stop you !

Fighting laziness is hard. Fighting social anxiety is hard. Fighting fear is hard. The truth is that if you want to do something but are crippled by fear, you will end up passing up on different opportunities and wasting incredible occasions to meet people.

I know this because I am stuck, more often than I would like. I limit myself. I care too much. I have only recently started going to tennis lessons that I have been meaning to go to for months, I was just too scared to go alone. Other people's judgement can be terrifying. After finally going thanks to a friend who came with me, I realised that I would have been just fine had I gone alone. I understood that some of the people I met I would have never even thought of engaging with in other situations and that in the end, pushing myself was nothing but rewarding.

It is a sad thing how much of our lives we unknowingly let others control, especially when the "others" do not care. Worst case scenario of trying something new on your own: you are mocked. Words can hurt more than actions, yet who cares what people think about you!? Strangers do not bring anything valuable to your life, so why should you, why do you let them have so much influence on what you do? I say this because I am the first one who suffers from that, from the fear of the other's gaze. Constantly reminding me that what does matter is how I impact those I care about is a struggle, but I am confident that I will end up living by this philosophy.

I hate that I care but I do. I want to learn to let go of that huge insecurity, because it is the consequence of a lack of self-confidence. As I waited for a friend in a café today, I hated the thought that people might think I was alone. What is so bad about being alone though? As far as I can remember, I have always given too much thought into the other's perception of me. My image matters. Maybe I am always afraid of being judged because I know that I judge others too. I am guilty of assuming things about people based on what they look like and if we are all honest, most of us are.

Yet, even if I do judge, I try not to. I want to think great things about those around me, so more often than not I compliment people in my mind. That reminds me that if I do that, maybe others do too.

The point I am slowly making is that limiting yourself because of a fear you have is letting a little part of your life escape and narrowing the realms of possibilities concerning great encounters, incredible memories and enlightening lessons. 

I do not want to care as much as I do. By writing that, I already feel like I have let go of some of my fear. Little by little, I will gather the strength to live by my own terms. I will stop giving too much importance to my appearance and I will work towards being more open-minded. 

I hope to encourage others to face their fears, insecurities and even their flaws. Life is about growing as a person and reflecting on the kind of person you want to be. I will finish this article by a very eye-opening quote which struck me, I hope to live by it. 

“The only time you look in your neighbour's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbour's bowl to see if you have as much as them.” Louis C.K

Shitty days do happen

There are parts of us we don't want anyone to see. There are parts of our lives we feel ashamed of. Sometimes it gets hard to separate people from their actions. Someone cannot be summarised by only one thing they have done, whether it may be a mistake or a good deed. We are an accumulation of actions, of journeys and interactions.

The moments in our lives that will stay with us until we die are those we never see coming. These moments are random, that's what make them beautiful. We don't plan on remembering them forever, we don't think about their meaning as they happen. It's when we look back at them that we understand the underlying feelings exploding in every ounce of our bodies. Sometimes, our brains trick us into modifying memories, making them better or worse than they really were. We are dramatic beings.The truth is we all suffer at one point. Some suffer more frequently than others and some hurt more than others but in the end there is no way around it. 

There will always be that supposedly perfect day which ends up being ruined by someone, lonely days and unhappy smiles. Instead of accepting this little bit of bleakness we all hide it from each other. I ended up in tears yesterday. I broke down. Yesterday was a very sad Christmas for me, even though I  have very little to complain about, I still hurt because of one of my family member's words and behaviour. In consequence, I had a very heartbreaking day yet I made everyone around me believe it wasn't the case.

I sent happy pictures, smiled as I wished a Merry Christmas to all and pretended to be having a wonderful time when I knew everyone else was having a way better one. I hid that ugly day from those around me. I didn't want to show people that at that point, my life was worse than theirs. We can  only be happy when we stop comparing ourselves to everyone else however it is so easy to to forget that. And yesterday, I did. I hated the fact that I felt like my life wasn't as good as theirs. I felt like I was missing out on a real festive day, like the ones we see in movies. But movies are just that, movies, which means that no matter how much they try, they will never be able to portray with absolute exactitude what "normal" is. We can't help but change even our perception of reality. 

So what I did was hide how much of a difficult time I was having because I didn't want anyone's pity, I didn't want to appear to be ungrateful and I didn't want to be a burden and a downer. These moments in life happen and if we all showed how normal it is to have dysfunctional days then maybe just knowing that would cheer up people a little bit. As I write this, I realise how much of a hypocrite I am being as that was exactly what I was afraid of doing. Maybe reading this one day when I go through something difficult will remind me that I can and in fact I should share what is going on in my life with those around me because even though we all hate to admit it, shitty days do happen.

We don't need reasons to be Happy. It Gets Better.

Healing, I am healing. What a wonderful feeling. A bit like a roller-coaster, there are ups and downs but in the end it's worth it. The fear, the doubt, the wonderful exhilaration all come together and as tears start streaming down my face, I do not know if it is of relief, shock or pure happiness. Either way, it does not matter.

Finally, I am happy again.

It's hard and it's not over but it's a beginning. As my smiles start resurfacing, rays of hope shine through my heart. There is so much wonderful, intriguing and exciting all around. Pain is but a drop in my ocean of beauty.

The conflict between hurt and love inside of my soul will keep happening but I trust life. I trust that I am worth something. Even in the case that I am not, I still have a reason for sticking around and working my positivity through every situation I encounter. That reason is aesthetics. There is nothing more soothing than beauty, harmony and excellence. Appreciating what I have is reason enough.

I do not need an excuse. No one can take that away from me. I can see, touch, hear, smell, taste. I can walk, run dance. I can talk, yell, communicate. I can write. I can love. No one can take that away from me. 

I have built myself back up in the past, nothing will keep me from doing it again. I am as strong as I am willing to be. Lingering in pain is easy but useless. Moving forward is full of promises. 

On Friday the 13th of November 2015, terrorist attacks happened all over Paris. I felt like I had to address this.

I can't sleep. It's hard to breathe. It's impossible to understand.

Which feeling do I hate the most? Powerlessness, rage, pain, grief, disappointment ... I can't choose.

This is not okay and should never be okay. The simple concept of taking a life is beyond me which makes what has happened all the more difficult to grasp. Coming to terms with the fact that we, as people, are able to get to this level of hatred is beyond me.

Terrorism is not a matter of religion, it is a matter of education. Terrorism is about preying on the weak, destroying knowledge and imposing violent, incoherent and damaging views on entire peoples no matter the cost.

Every time such a tragedy happens, it feels like time stops. All my problems become trivial as I slowly become ashamed of what I am doing at that very moment. I can write about it, I can talk about it but concretely I am not doing anything to stop it and I loathe that. Tonight was a wake-up call. I have always known that such acts of terror were taking place all over the world. I would watch a documentary about it, shed a tear, feel distressed and somehow manage to move on with my day. Every single day, someone somewhere dies in the most cruel, unjust and inhumane manner we could think of yet we don't do anything about it.

The fact that the events did not just hit close to home but actually did hit home made me realise how we focus on the countries which have power. My heart is heavy from the horrors of the attacks that went on tonight in Paris however my whole body is aching thinking about how infinitely bigger the pain of the families and friends of the victims which have fallen to the hands of terrorists all around the globe is.

What makes matters even worse is that we are judging the people desperately trying to escape a situation where they would be controlled, brainwashed and killed. We are afraid of them when they are fearing for their very own lives. Refugees are called refugees for a reason, it is that they have nothing left. No home, no future, no resources. Lost in a hostile world they are searching for a safe place to live. I believe that having that- a place to stay where your life isn't threatened- is a basic human right. Why are we building up walls of fear, ignorance and amalgams when the terrorist attacks like the one which happened in Paris puts everyone in the same boat? Something else also bothers me, it is the need we have to politicise everything. Human rights shouldn't differ depending on who is head of a State, no matter which. Human rights do not belong to a political party, they belong to everyone.

It is the same fight we were all thrown into, the fight against individuals with no morals, no basic understanding of human rights and nothing good to give, the fight against terrorists.

In my profound state of grief, I want to send a message. One of love, one of unity and one of hope. Because yes, I dare to hope.  

Moving on: How and why we should do it

We rarely want to move on. That's what makes it so difficult. However, moving on is part of life and the whole process of perpetual evolution that comes with it. I am currently in the midst of a huge change in dynamics, I have moved to a different continent and my lifestyle has had a dramatic change in momentum. I love my new life yet I feel like I have not yet mourned my old one.

Trying to move on, like many other abstract things in life, is not an easy thing to grasp and execute. So far I have been able to realise that it is not just about accepting the new, it is also about understanding that there are things we cannot and will never be able to control. Little things, like what our parents might want to have for dinner and more important things such as how someone might interpret what you say and who you are. We are obsessed about living together in an idealistically peaceful reality, which can only happen through each other's acknowledgement of our relevance in this world. Nevertheless, this is not happening any time soon, so we might as well grow whilst grasping the fact that what people feel, think and perceive when it comes to us only has so much meaning.

Moving on from an old life, a friendship or a relationship is always a long process of understanding that we can only control so much. It is about remembering that the only person who will be by our side all our life is ourself and that we might as well forgive ourselves, encourage ourselves and push ourselves to be fulfilled with what we have at the moment.

What I have at the moment is a privileged life in a beautiful place with kind, smart and exciting people. What I have at the moment is a healthy family, a safe place to sleep at night and my own well-being. What I have is hope, joy and the will to be happy. Writing this short article has shown me that I can move on and most importantly that it is okay not to heal immediately. Evolution takes time, so does building a fulfilled life.

Fight your battle

What a peculiar subject to talk about, isn't it? Your own battle I mean, because if we are being honest you really are fighting a battle at the moment. It might be meaningless or its outcome might change your life but at the end of the day, you are facing something. How would I know this? I know it because I am just like you, I have my fight to prepare for, I have my fight to win.

No matter how much we say this, the truth of it will never fade: you can only rise through hard work, dedication and passion. How passionate are you about what you're trying to achieve? If the answer is "very" then I can say one thing: you have what it takes to succeed.

I mostly write for myself, because I love it. Expressing myself has something very liberating to it. I ponder, I write, delete and reformulate but in the end, I learn. I take time to think and to come up with answers to my questions, with uplifting messages when I'm doubting but above all I try and find the motivation behind my actions. I want to find my purpose.

It all means that when I write something I believe in what I am writing. What I am saying is that you have your battle and even though we all wish it were easier, in order to succeed you have to be the one trusting yourself, you have to be the one to push yourself to the top. You have your purpose, you have your destiny and you have the keys to the mystery that is in your soul. Find that key, find the right lock, find the correct way to turn that key and open that safe. It will lead you to what you want, but as always there will be ups and downs, there will be good and bad and there will be confidence and doubts. The secret is to keep going whether you want to or not. Giving up is not natural to humans. Giving up is something we invented to justify our lack of trust in ourselves.

One thing is very important though and that thing is to accept that sometimes things do not go our way. It is not because you change your mind about something that you are giving up, as long as this decision comes from the heart and will not generate regret. So be sure to differentiate giving up and evolving as they are not the same thing.

As for me, I want to be better. I do not want to waste all the time I have, so I'm going to finish this article and start studying for what I really want.