Death

It's always strange how death is what we consider to be the most abnormal event in our lives. It strikes us as if it shouldn't happen every time, yet death is the essence of existence. It is common knowledge that there can be no life without death and vice versa. It is also common knowledge that whenever a death happen close to us, we are shaken to our cores.
It doesn't matter if we expect it or not, death is still considered by psychologists to be a violent event which changes us through the significant trauma it represents. So what is it that makes it so scarring?
It should be easy to answer yet there is a complex ramification of causes that can be mentioned.
Firstly, the death of someone close leaves an emptiness that cannot be filled. It could be explained as one of the sparks from our own firework going missing. The firework is still incredible, but it now lacks this tiny little light that made it extra special, and that spark is irremediably gone. This emptiness is difficult to recover from, furthered by the fact that there is absolutely nothing that can be done to change the situation.
The finality of death is one that shocks again and again. Getting used to it is not an option. You can either let your heart sink every time or learn to numb yourself. Either way, there is no healthy or normal way of dealing with it. The five stages of grief are just one of the inexhaustible ways of approaching the loss of someone.

Even after the emptiness left by the loss and its absolute finality, as sentient and conscious beings the link between death and ourselves is also a hard reminder of our own fragility. We are all mortal and our souls, no matter how bright or compassionate or special, will leave our bodies. It is the understanding that we work like machines and that eventually every machine is replaced or has to be destroyed is one that we struggle with accepting. We can embrace this fact or not, death does not discriminate. Death is not just, it is not beautiful, it is not desirable... but it certainly does not discriminate.

The analysis of the impact death has on us as humans can be endless, but I'll stop here. So how do we deal with the loss of someone then?
Well, first of all, we have to embrace all of our emotions. If we are angry at life, then let it be. For a while, at least. However, a perpetual state of anger or sadness does not serve us it destroys us. After accepting the pain, and the loss, there is a time where we also have to accept to rebuild our lives, little by little. In whichever way is possible, make life acceptable again and then, when the time is right for us, make it beautiful.
Because yes, even though we are at a time of  ugliness, life is beautiful. Of course, there are responsibilities and chores and work but if you choose to focus on that aspect of your day, you miss out on other things. If you have to get up early every morning, then think of it as being able to watch the sun rise. If you are crawling under work then think of it as having the privilege of working whether it be to support your family or to get an education in hopes to better your future. This outlook may evidently not work on all situations, but it is by applying it to the little things that life is made more than bearable. Life is made worth living.

On terrorism in 2016

Tired. I am so tired of reading about senseless violence, unnecessary hatred and abhorrent loss. What is another terrorist act in the sea of blood we are facing as humans ? What is done is done and we find ourselves stuck in a world we do not want, we do not understand and we do not want to live in. We are powerless as we become cloistered in fear. Stop living or face the possibility of being murdered, what sort of choice is that?
It is so hard not to give up yet there is no choice to make but that one. Walk a little faster, be a little more suspicious of the stranger asking for directions and avoid gatherings, these are only a few of the measures people will take in order to push away in their own little way, the threat of terrorism. This does not scream happy life waiting to be lived anymore. Instead, each time a life is taken in horrid circumstances every single soul that learns about it loses a little of their hopes for humanity and, instead, gives in to unwavering cynicism.
This new barbaric reality we are faced with exposes what we feared all along, we are not safe. We never are 100% certain that nothing bad will be brought upon us by others but we can at least know that the likelihood is not high. This is not the case anymore. We are threatened, always.
What world am I growing up in??
One where everything is destroyed and everyone is killed by both ideals and brainwashed idiots. Capitalism, over-consumption or religious terrorism, no matter what it is we seem to always find the best tools to turn whatever we have into a rotten reality.
If there are moments in my existence I wish life were fair, it's every time I learn about a crime so unfathomable my body physically hurts. No words or a lot of very pretty ones, it doesn't make a difference and that is what is scary. What can we do if not give in to fear? We are all both predators and preys to each other, that's how nature works. That part is understandable, what isn't however is how the reason of it all went from survival to evil self-righteousness.
I wish I didn't have a new reason every few weeks to cry and deplore the lack of decency in such a huge number of human beings.
We are lucky to be able to spread even an ounce of kindness in a world of despair so let's do it.
With Love

On the EU ref

I don't know why I ever felt like I could plan the future. The truth is no matter how hard you try to control everything, you just can't. No one has ever managed to do it, so I don't know why I ever thought I could. I can't predict anything, not even where I'll be living in the next few years, at least not any more.
I'm not going to talk about Great Britain leaving the EU from a political stance. This is not the point. The point is that opportunities have been taken away from brits and EU citizens alike and that is a fact that is going to dramatically influence my life. The UK is my home as much as France is. I guess now this sentence will have to change to: the UK was my home as much as France was. I've spent nearly 8 years of my life in England and by the end of my studies, I'll have spent 10 years in the UK. That's 5 times longer than I've lived in France.
I'm getting my education here, I spent my childhood here and now I know I won't be able to live my professional life here. Some might argue that it's a good thing because that means I won't be stealing anyone's job. Fair enough... except it's not. My dream in life is to be a business owner, for that become a reality I need to create a business, hire people and lift my ideas to the top. In the worst case scenario, I'd be a competitor on a specific market, creating tension and lowering the cost of things. I'd still be paying taxes, spending my money in England and contributing to the country. However, that won't be the case because soon, I won't be able to legitimately live in the UK for an indefinite amount of time. My french passport will not grant me access to the place I've called home longer than any of the other 3 countries I've lived in. I don't have many roots but the few I have are here, and I'm not wanted here.
So where do I go from now?

At my funeral

At my funeral,
there may be black, sadness and tears.
And at my funeral,
I want there to be light, smiles and laughter.

I want

Love to be spread,
Infinity to be promised,
Feelings to be expressed,
Emotions to be embraced.

I want life to be more present than ever.
Singing, dancing, smiling, hoping, dreaming, loving.

Oh and champagne too, lots of it.

Breaking up with a Best Friend

Sometimes friendship breakups hurt a lot more than relationship ones. You lose a person that was here for you, with whom you lived through moments that shaped you and with whom you had a rare connection. One that made you want to see this person outside of the environment in which you initially met. One that meant there was something to explore. One that now means nothing.
Breaking up with a best friend means that you are turning a page of your life. It means that you are separating the time when you hung out with that person from now. The person who lived through all the relationships you ever had and outlasted them all ironically becomes one of these relations which simply fade away.
It's hard. Ending a close friendship implies a sudden feeling of loneliness afterwards. If even the person whom I thought was the closest someone has ever been to me ends up disappearing from my life, then is something wrong with me? Will I ever have such a bond with anyone else? Will I be able to replace them by someone better? Many questions emerge from heartache and this situation is no different.
Sadness, self-questioning maybe anger... maybe regret. How emotionally draining are these processes of building and destroying bonds with one another !
Everything eventually fades into time. A new face, a new connection and a new friendship... it is possible to come across all of these things as life progresses. Breaking up with a best friend sucks and the only solution is to keep moving forward. Tears from one friend will turn into laughter with another. The key is to have faith in the future and the amazing people you know you will meet along the way.

One Day

One day I won't be young. I won't carry myself with insolent insouciance. I won't feel like I'm on top of the world.
One day I won't be this healthy. I won't recover from the flu like I do now. I won't recover from a few hours of sleep as easily.
One day I won't be as beautiful. I won't have a smooth skin. I won't stand tall.
But today.
Today I am all these things. Today I do all these things. And today I am taking time to appreciate all these things.
It is not the idea of death that is haunting so much as the idea that I could leave this planet with regrets. Thinking that everything I ever had I took for granted. That everything I could do, I didn't do. That every ounce of love I had in my body, I didn't give.
One day I won't be here. My words will. That's all that matters.
Today I laugh. Today I eat. Today I feel good.
Today I celebrate.

Don't let fear stop you !

Fighting laziness is hard. Fighting social anxiety is hard. Fighting fear is hard. The truth is that if you want to do something but are crippled by fear, you will end up passing up on different opportunities and wasting incredible occasions to meet people.

I know this because I am stuck, more often than I would like. I limit myself. I care too much. I have only recently started going to tennis lessons that I have been meaning to go to for months, I was just too scared to go alone. Other people's judgement can be terrifying. After finally going thanks to a friend who came with me, I realised that I would have been just fine had I gone alone. I understood that some of the people I met I would have never even thought of engaging with in other situations and that in the end, pushing myself was nothing but rewarding.

It is a sad thing how much of our lives we unknowingly let others control, especially when the "others" do not care. Worst case scenario of trying something new on your own: you are mocked. Words can hurt more than actions, yet who cares what people think about you!? Strangers do not bring anything valuable to your life, so why should you, why do you let them have so much influence on what you do? I say this because I am the first one who suffers from that, from the fear of the other's gaze. Constantly reminding me that what does matter is how I impact those I care about is a struggle, but I am confident that I will end up living by this philosophy.

I hate that I care but I do. I want to learn to let go of that huge insecurity, because it is the consequence of a lack of self-confidence. As I waited for a friend in a café today, I hated the thought that people might think I was alone. What is so bad about being alone though? As far as I can remember, I have always given too much thought into the other's perception of me. My image matters. Maybe I am always afraid of being judged because I know that I judge others too. I am guilty of assuming things about people based on what they look like and if we are all honest, most of us are.

Yet, even if I do judge, I try not to. I want to think great things about those around me, so more often than not I compliment people in my mind. That reminds me that if I do that, maybe others do too.

The point I am slowly making is that limiting yourself because of a fear you have is letting a little part of your life escape and narrowing the realms of possibilities concerning great encounters, incredible memories and enlightening lessons. 

I do not want to care as much as I do. By writing that, I already feel like I have let go of some of my fear. Little by little, I will gather the strength to live by my own terms. I will stop giving too much importance to my appearance and I will work towards being more open-minded. 

I hope to encourage others to face their fears, insecurities and even their flaws. Life is about growing as a person and reflecting on the kind of person you want to be. I will finish this article by a very eye-opening quote which struck me, I hope to live by it. 

“The only time you look in your neighbour's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbour's bowl to see if you have as much as them.” Louis C.K