Shitty days do happen

There are parts of us we don't want anyone to see. There are parts of our lives we feel ashamed of. Sometimes it gets hard to separate people from their actions. Someone cannot be summarised by only one thing they have done, whether it may be a mistake or a good deed. We are an accumulation of actions, of journeys and interactions.

The moments in our lives that will stay with us until we die are those we never see coming. These moments are random, that's what make them beautiful. We don't plan on remembering them forever, we don't think about their meaning as they happen. It's when we look back at them that we understand the underlying feelings exploding in every ounce of our bodies. Sometimes, our brains trick us into modifying memories, making them better or worse than they really were. We are dramatic beings.The truth is we all suffer at one point. Some suffer more frequently than others and some hurt more than others but in the end there is no way around it. 

There will always be that supposedly perfect day which ends up being ruined by someone, lonely days and unhappy smiles. Instead of accepting this little bit of bleakness we all hide it from each other. I ended up in tears yesterday. I broke down. Yesterday was a very sad Christmas for me, even though I  have very little to complain about, I still hurt because of one of my family member's words and behaviour. In consequence, I had a very heartbreaking day yet I made everyone around me believe it wasn't the case.

I sent happy pictures, smiled as I wished a Merry Christmas to all and pretended to be having a wonderful time when I knew everyone else was having a way better one. I hid that ugly day from those around me. I didn't want to show people that at that point, my life was worse than theirs. We can  only be happy when we stop comparing ourselves to everyone else however it is so easy to to forget that. And yesterday, I did. I hated the fact that I felt like my life wasn't as good as theirs. I felt like I was missing out on a real festive day, like the ones we see in movies. But movies are just that, movies, which means that no matter how much they try, they will never be able to portray with absolute exactitude what "normal" is. We can't help but change even our perception of reality. 

So what I did was hide how much of a difficult time I was having because I didn't want anyone's pity, I didn't want to appear to be ungrateful and I didn't want to be a burden and a downer. These moments in life happen and if we all showed how normal it is to have dysfunctional days then maybe just knowing that would cheer up people a little bit. As I write this, I realise how much of a hypocrite I am being as that was exactly what I was afraid of doing. Maybe reading this one day when I go through something difficult will remind me that I can and in fact I should share what is going on in my life with those around me because even though we all hate to admit it, shitty days do happen.

We don't need reasons to be Happy. It Gets Better.

Healing, I am healing. What a wonderful feeling. A bit like a roller-coaster, there are ups and downs but in the end it's worth it. The fear, the doubt, the wonderful exhilaration all come together and as tears start streaming down my face, I do not know if it is of relief, shock or pure happiness. Either way, it does not matter.

Finally, I am happy again.

It's hard and it's not over but it's a beginning. As my smiles start resurfacing, rays of hope shine through my heart. There is so much wonderful, intriguing and exciting all around. Pain is but a drop in my ocean of beauty.

The conflict between hurt and love inside of my soul will keep happening but I trust life. I trust that I am worth something. Even in the case that I am not, I still have a reason for sticking around and working my positivity through every situation I encounter. That reason is aesthetics. There is nothing more soothing than beauty, harmony and excellence. Appreciating what I have is reason enough.

I do not need an excuse. No one can take that away from me. I can see, touch, hear, smell, taste. I can walk, run dance. I can talk, yell, communicate. I can write. I can love. No one can take that away from me. 

I have built myself back up in the past, nothing will keep me from doing it again. I am as strong as I am willing to be. Lingering in pain is easy but useless. Moving forward is full of promises.