Hope for the Best, Expect the Worst

Looking back at my article from February, it feels like it was someone else writing. It's insane how so many things can change in a few months, or even a few days for that matter. However, staying in line with the theme of my last article, I am able to announce that the biggest Yes I've said this year was to moving to Madrid.
I can say confidently that this "yes" has been the most extraordinary and exciting one I've had to pleasure to say thus far. Moving is always special, which meant that even after having grown up in different countries, it was a daunting process. I had no idea how any aspect of my life would unfold abroad, far from family and friends, in a foreign environment and with limited language abilities.
Little did I know I would find myself the happiest I've been in a long while. It is still unknown to me how it took experiencing life in a different city and meeting new people for me to increasingly grow confident in who I am. Every day I get closer to not caring about what "others" think of me, and every day I reach a new level of fulfilment. Oh boy, did it take a lot for me to write those words down, knowing both how tacky and how stupid it was for me to ever care in the first place. Spoiler alert though, I definitely am not claiming I'm tooootally over the whole "how do I come across" fear, but I am headed in the right direction.The words I am typing feel like they could come out of a twelve year old's diary but somehow, they feel right.
It's also been a tad strange for me to figure out how I have been feeling so festive whilst being the furthest away from home I've ever been. I believe that people who say we can just "choose" to be happy are bypassing a range of outside influences which challenge this statement. I also believe that it's possible, no matter what situation you find yourself in to smile at the Christmas lights, to be kind to strangers and to be grateful for the people that do happen to be in your life. Those are not hard rules to live by, but it is unfortunately so easy to forget them every so often. I just happen to find myself in a situation where I am prone to remembering those little things and therefore feel it is the correct time to lay it on my screen. I can appreciate my family more being far away from them just as I can care for my friends more by skyping with them whilst internally longing to hug them, after all, it's not because people move that our memories and relationships have to move away with them.
I think these are the jolly-est holidays I will spend yet, and I sure do hope not to lose that spark I feel is igniting me right now. And if, or when, I do find myself in a dull moment, I sure hope I have my own positive words to go back to -a wish of mine which happens to be a recurring theme in most of what I write.
I was not hoping for anything by moving here, except maybe for some kind of personal development. What I got was way more than I bargained for in the best way possible. I have met wonderful and terribly interesting new people which have made my life that much richer for it. I am learning from every person I hang out with, and they are helping me grow in more ways than they can ever imagine. I may not have been expecting anything at all, not even the worst, but I sure hoped for the best.

This was my ode to Mel Brooks' Hope for the Best, Expect the Worst

The benefits of saying Yes !

In 2008, a movie called Yes Man came out. The whole plot centred around a man who decides to say yes to everything. Nine years later, the reason why I remember it is because as crazy as the concept seemed, it was also striking for me, a person so attached to the power of the "no". So when more recently I came across a video of a youtuber called autodisciple who decided to say "yes" to everything for 30 days it brought me back to my initial fascination. I was ridiculously inclined to saying no as soon as something may require too much effort or may appear scary and intimidating.

Firstly, it struck me as being remarkably brave because saying yes often entails leaving your comfort zone. On the one hand, the good side of this whole philosophy of life appeared to be the positive discoveries that came with saying yes to going places and meeting people he was initially reluctant to. On the other hand, the less attractive side was the possibility of anyone to abuse of their power and the management of time which became stressful because of added commitment.

Then, I understood how such a small word could change someone's life. The word "yes" is the enemy of excuses, laziness and fear, it pushes you to do more and to live life the way you always wanted to rather than allowing you to find ways of justifying why you're not living that life.

At the end of the 30 days, the youtuber concluded that he had had a busy month full of adventures, that he didn't regret anything but that he also appreciated the power of saying no. He therefore planned on going back to his old ways whilst keeping in mind that if possible, he should say yes.

His video was so well executed that I understood his message, that saying "yes" should be the norm. From then on, whenever my flatmates or my friends suggested we do something or go somewhere, instead of hesitating or saying no I chose to react positively. I looked for ways to make it work with my busy schedule and even if I was not convinced, I still pushed myself to get involved. The difference between this month and last month is already considerable. My schedule is the busiest it's ever been, I have plans for every day of the week, the same amount of work if not more and I love it. 

The one thing to keep in mind however, is that whenever I felt like it was all getting too much I did not feel bad about saying no. I understood that sometimes saying no to others meant saying yes to myself. It was not about letting others down but about being my own supporter. If anyone understands your needs it's you and ignoring this inner voice just to say yes is never a good idea. 

So what now? Well, the benefits of saying yes are countless. It does the one cliché thing in life we always hear about: it opens your horizons. By meeting new people, going to new places, discovering your environment, accepting that greatness does not often lie in your comfort zone you end up with more opportunities, more chances to do good and more reasons to smile.

Death

It's always strange how death is what we consider to be the most abnormal event in our lives. It strikes us as if it shouldn't happen every time, yet death is the essence of existence. It is common knowledge that there can be no life without death and vice versa. It is also common knowledge that whenever a death happen close to us, we are shaken to our cores.
It doesn't matter if we expect it or not, death is still considered by psychologists to be a violent event which changes us through the significant trauma it represents. So what is it that makes it so scarring?
It should be easy to answer yet there is a complex ramification of causes that can be mentioned.
Firstly, the death of someone close leaves an emptiness that cannot be filled. It could be explained as one of the sparks from our own firework going missing. The firework is still incredible, but it now lacks this tiny little light that made it extra special, and that spark is irremediably gone. This emptiness is difficult to recover from, furthered by the fact that there is absolutely nothing that can be done to change the situation.
The finality of death is one that shocks again and again. Getting used to it is not an option. You can either let your heart sink every time or learn to numb yourself. Either way, there is no healthy or normal way of dealing with it. The five stages of grief are just one of the inexhaustible ways of approaching the loss of someone.

Even after the emptiness left by the loss and its absolute finality, as sentient and conscious beings the link between death and ourselves is also a hard reminder of our own fragility. We are all mortal and our souls, no matter how bright or compassionate or special, will leave our bodies. It is the understanding that we work like machines and that eventually every machine is replaced or has to be destroyed is one that we struggle with accepting. We can embrace this fact or not, death does not discriminate. Death is not just, it is not beautiful, it is not desirable... but it certainly does not discriminate.

The analysis of the impact death has on us as humans can be endless, but I'll stop here. So how do we deal with the loss of someone then?
Well, first of all, we have to embrace all of our emotions. If we are angry at life, then let it be. For a while, at least. However, a perpetual state of anger or sadness does not serve us it destroys us. After accepting the pain, and the loss, there is a time where we also have to accept to rebuild our lives, little by little. In whichever way is possible, make life acceptable again and then, when the time is right for us, make it beautiful.
Because yes, even though we are at a time of  ugliness, life is beautiful. Of course, there are responsibilities and chores and work but if you choose to focus on that aspect of your day, you miss out on other things. If you have to get up early every morning, then think of it as being able to watch the sun rise. If you are crawling under work then think of it as having the privilege of working whether it be to support your family or to get an education in hopes to better your future. This outlook may evidently not work on all situations, but it is by applying it to the little things that life is made more than bearable. Life is made worth living.

On terrorism in 2016

Tired. I am so tired of reading about senseless violence, unnecessary hatred and abhorrent loss. What is another terrorist act in the sea of blood we are facing as humans ? What is done is done and we find ourselves stuck in a world we do not want, we do not understand and we do not want to live in. We are powerless as we become cloistered in fear. Stop living or face the possibility of being murdered, what sort of choice is that?
It is so hard not to give up yet there is no choice to make but that one. Walk a little faster, be a little more suspicious of the stranger asking for directions and avoid gatherings, these are only a few of the measures people will take in order to push away in their own little way, the threat of terrorism. This does not scream happy life waiting to be lived anymore. Instead, each time a life is taken in horrid circumstances every single soul that learns about it loses a little of their hopes for humanity and, instead, gives in to unwavering cynicism.
This new barbaric reality we are faced with exposes what we feared all along, we are not safe. We never are 100% certain that nothing bad will be brought upon us by others but we can at least know that the likelihood is not high. This is not the case anymore. We are threatened, always.
What world am I growing up in??
One where everything is destroyed and everyone is killed by both ideals and brainwashed idiots. Capitalism, over-consumption or religious terrorism, no matter what it is we seem to always find the best tools to turn whatever we have into a rotten reality.
If there are moments in my existence I wish life were fair, it's every time I learn about a crime so unfathomable my body physically hurts. No words or a lot of very pretty ones, it doesn't make a difference and that is what is scary. What can we do if not give in to fear? We are all both predators and preys to each other, that's how nature works. That part is understandable, what isn't however is how the reason of it all went from survival to evil self-righteousness.
I wish I didn't have a new reason every few weeks to cry and deplore the lack of decency in such a huge number of human beings.
We are lucky to be able to spread even an ounce of kindness in a world of despair so let's do it.
With Love

On the EU ref

I don't know why I ever felt like I could plan the future. The truth is no matter how hard you try to control everything, you just can't. No one has ever managed to do it, so I don't know why I ever thought I could. I can't predict anything, not even where I'll be living in the next few years, at least not any more.
I'm not going to talk about Great Britain leaving the EU from a political stance. This is not the point. The point is that opportunities have been taken away from brits and EU citizens alike and that is a fact that is going to dramatically influence my life. The UK is my home as much as France is. I guess now this sentence will have to change to: the UK was my home as much as France was. I've spent nearly 8 years of my life in England and by the end of my studies, I'll have spent 10 years in the UK. That's 5 times longer than I've lived in France.
I'm getting my education here, I spent my childhood here and now I know I won't be able to live my professional life here. Some might argue that it's a good thing because that means I won't be stealing anyone's job. Fair enough... except it's not. My dream in life is to be a business owner, for that become a reality I need to create a business, hire people and lift my ideas to the top. In the worst case scenario, I'd be a competitor on a specific market, creating tension and lowering the cost of things. I'd still be paying taxes, spending my money in England and contributing to the country. However, that won't be the case because soon, I won't be able to legitimately live in the UK for an indefinite amount of time. My french passport will not grant me access to the place I've called home longer than any of the other 3 countries I've lived in. I don't have many roots but the few I have are here, and I'm not wanted here.
So where do I go from now?

At my funeral

At my funeral,
there may be black, sadness and tears.
And at my funeral,
I want there to be light, smiles and laughter.

I want

Love to be spread,
Infinity to be promised,
Feelings to be expressed,
Emotions to be embraced.

I want life to be more present than ever.
Singing, dancing, smiling, hoping, dreaming, loving.

Oh and champagne too, lots of it.

Breaking up with a Best Friend

Sometimes friendship breakups hurt a lot more than relationship ones. You lose a person that was here for you, with whom you lived through moments that shaped you and with whom you had a rare connection. One that made you want to see this person outside of the environment in which you initially met. One that meant there was something to explore. One that now means nothing.
Breaking up with a best friend means that you are turning a page of your life. It means that you are separating the time when you hung out with that person from now. The person who lived through all the relationships you ever had and outlasted them all ironically becomes one of these relations which simply fade away.
It's hard. Ending a close friendship implies a sudden feeling of loneliness afterwards. If even the person whom I thought was the closest someone has ever been to me ends up disappearing from my life, then is something wrong with me? Will I ever have such a bond with anyone else? Will I be able to replace them by someone better? Many questions emerge from heartache and this situation is no different.
Sadness, self-questioning maybe anger... maybe regret. How emotionally draining are these processes of building and destroying bonds with one another !
Everything eventually fades into time. A new face, a new connection and a new friendship... it is possible to come across all of these things as life progresses. Breaking up with a best friend sucks and the only solution is to keep moving forward. Tears from one friend will turn into laughter with another. The key is to have faith in the future and the amazing people you know you will meet along the way.